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The Hidden Folly of 'Why' Questions--And 5 Easy Alternatives

6/17/2019

4 Comments

 
Often, questions like “why did you...” flat-out don’t work, and don't generate compassionate curiosity. We get defensive. And withdraw from our hearts to our heads.
 
Really???

The Problem

Picture
​Let’s pretend you were in a rush to pee before a phone call. You threw your jacket on the closet doorknob, and didn’t notice the jacket dropped. As you finish the call, your partner walks in. S/he asks “Why is that on the floor?” 
 
Hearing that, how do you feel? 
 
Yes, it depends on the circumstances and your partner’s tone. And your own socialization—e.g., it’s no biggie for a Vulcan (strictly logical) or a Pema Chodron (just another opportunity to practice).
 
The rest of us? Probably a bit closed down and defensive. That’s because when we were little and we asked 'why' questions, it came from a place of wonder and innocence. But when adults asked us 'why' questions, those questions had a finger-pointing quality. So that’s how we hear them. The “why” is experienced as code for “what’s wrong with you that…” The result: defensiveness and withdrawal that shuts discovery down.
 
To make matters worse, 'why' questions put us in our heads. But doing something illogical is often a sign of fear or other emotions at work—not logic. Trying to “figure out why” generates a mechanical explanation that removes us from what’s really going on. Insight more likely rests in our hearts! 

What to do Instead--5 Alternatives

So what can we do instead to provoke curiosity, wonder, and openness to heart-based wisdom?
 
Whenever you’re about to ask a 'why' question, pause. Explore what you're really trying to accomplish. Are you actually wanting to complain? Or, truly curious about something?

  • If it’s a complaint (“why is that jacket on the floor?”), decide if you really want to complain or not. If so, make it explicit. Use an I statement. (“I was upset to see your jacket on the floor.”) Don’t pretend to be curious when you’re not.
  • If it’s curiosity about the purpose and intentions behind something, try “Can you say a bit more about your intentions and purpose behind that?” Or, “What’s motivating that?”
  • If it’s about mechanism—say of a behavior--ask “what do you imagine leads that behavior to happen?” Probe for feelings! 
  • Inviting a reframe? Rather than ask a question that implies there’s something wrong with the person, ask something like “What do you imagine might be the positive intention behind that behavior” Dysfunction often comes from young parts of us that want to help. They’re resorting to old strategies vital to past survival that don’t work in our present. Gentle invitation works better than blame!
  • And, if you inadvertently start with a 'why' question, it’s ok to stop, and ask for a redo. “Oh, I just realized I started in a way that might have sounded blaming and put you in your head. I'm sorry. Can I have a do-over?”

Never Ever?

So, should you never ask why? 
 
Well, it seems to work better in print. And “Why not?” has a different energy than “Why.” Also, there’s a whole industry focused on understanding our greater why—it’s intrinsic to my Core Intention work, for example. Finally, much of 'why' question damage originates in our own mixed intentions. So, pausing to make sure we’re coming from a place of compassion and curiosity, and then putting that positive energy into a wonder-filled 'why' question can work.
 
But it’s hardly ever necessary to ask why--and frequently dangerous. There are better ways. Use them!
4 Comments
Raye
6/20/2019 10:06:50 pm

I can definitely relate to this! I'm the "why-er" in my relationship with my partner. Sometimes it's a power play (for instance, to demonstrate that I am the logical one); other times, I genuinely want to know. I'm a very curious person! Often, it's a combination of the power play, curiosity, and maybe anger and frustration.

This post is a keeper. Thanks.

P.S. On the other hand, I can't picture myself saying, without rolling my eyes and without my partner, David, giving me a blank look, "Oh, I just realized I started in a way that might have sounded blaming and put you in your head. I'm sorry. Can I have a do-over?”

Reply
Mark Hurwich link
6/21/2019 04:42:23 am

Thanks, Raye! Good insight. In my own relationship, I know there are times it feels to me like I'm simply being curious. But sometimes that's being driven by a frustration about what doesn't seem logical. My "simple curiosity" might even have some energy of arrogance in it.

With both of us aware of this, it's been possible sometimes to interrupt this pattern--with my partner asking to restart more often than I do. That works only if neither of us has been triggered. If we have been a time out is better.

And on how to ask for a redo, use language that feels authentic to you, whatever that is. If the phrase I suggested above generates an eye-roll don't use that! The last thing a relationship needs at that point is another dose of contempt.

Reply
John Kador link
12/10/2019 06:30:57 am

Your blog reminds me on a resolution I'm making for the New Year. It goes like this: Skip the complaint and get to the request. Too often I find myself starting with the complaint: It's too hot. Can we turn down the heat?" The first part of that is unnecessary and leads to defensiveness. In your example, the "why" passively masks a complaint.

By the way, have you written about New Year's Resolutions?

Reply
Mark Hurwich link
12/15/2019 08:36:17 am

Love that insight, John...thanks for posting it! In fact, I am at work on a blog that proposes an alternative to how we usually navigate lofty goals and the how of getting to them, which you remind me is relevant to NY resolutions. Stay tuned!

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