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How to Help without Giving Advice: Stop…is that Abuse? (Part 3)

8/8/2018

9 Comments

 
Pictureby JD Hancock (modified)
​I love my co-facilitator…but was ready to throw something at him the other night! 
 
Why? Together, we support a follow-up group from a men’s weekend. It’s a forum for heart-oriented sharing, in contrast to the typical figuring-it-out and giving advice.

​But instead of redirecting advice, this usually brilliant man was giving more!

I’ve already covered why giving advice can be abusive in a prior blog (Part 1)…and, how to stop it too (Part 2). 
 
But what to do instead? Here are three alternatives.

Simply Be Present: “You’re Seen and Celebrated"

​Simply being present for another person, without an agenda, and letting them know that you’ve heard and accept them works miracles. It looks like this:
 
  • Listening (without trying to form a response)
  • Mirroring (pausing to check that you’re tracking by paraphrasing and checking for accuracy)
  • Validation (not agreeing, but putting yourself in the person’s place and showing that you understand how this experience makes sense for them)
 
When we struggle, there’s often something inside we haven’t realized because of our own self-judgment. So a space of acceptance, blessed with curiosity, generates insight. Because it’s an internal discovery, it makes you feel resourceful too.

Invite Emotional Protein

​Advice can be like junk food: easy to consume, but neither nourishing nor long-lasting. Replace advice with “emotional protein:” curiosity about the core feelings in a situation—shame, fear, sadness, joy, whatever. When someone knows what to do, but can’t bring themselves to do it, there’s hidden emotion at work. Bringing it to the surface and exploring what it’s connected to won’t always make the problem dissolve, but it’s a start. 
 
When we gain a deeper understanding of what’s going on, we see it isn’t simply laziness or moral failure behind hard challenges. We learn that the behaviors we seek to shift, even though they’re not working now, were almost always the best adaptation that we could manage at the time. They might even be a sign of something well-intended. Best of all: this deeper understanding nourishes self-compassion, which gives us more energy. Change requires that energy.

Share from the Heart, At Completion

When we connect to another person—especially when their journey resonates with us—we want to share too. That can feel like advice-giving when it interrupts exploration, and comes from the head. So…just tune into your own heart, and make sure you’re letting it lead.
 
Generally, you’ll want to make sure the person you’re supporting is “complete:” 
they’ve gained insight and are at a good place to stop. Get permission: there’s something that touched you; would it be ok to share? Insure your sharing is rich around your own feelings and vulnerabilities. If it’s hard to speak without your voice catching or tears coming, share that! If, however, it has the energy of showing how advanced you are, DON’T.
* * * * *
A final thought: it’s not about being perfect, but being good enough and willing to grow. Without my co-facilitator’s genius in that regard, and the discussion that followed, I wouldn’t have this blog. 
9 Comments
Irina Fursman
8/9/2018 06:04:31 am

Mark, I love your post. Very relevant. Here’s where I struggle sometimes: what’s the best way to handle situations when some one asks for advice but is really looking to vent or would just like some empathy? For example, a person may ask a direct question that begins with: “what do you do when....?” How do you discern if they really want to know what others do under those circumstances or if they are simply frustrated and would love some support and validation?

Reply
Mark Hurwich link
8/9/2018 06:11:53 am

Thanks, Irina. Having been trained in a figuring it out world initially leads me to a “how to answer” response, but that can be a trap (even though I often fall into it).

Probably better to ask. If it seems they're asking for something different than what they really want, you could make that hypothesis explicit (so long as you are really coming from a place of acceptance and caring and open to whatever they say). And I don't think it hurts to start with loving support and validation, so long as you're willing to switch if that's not what seems wanted.

Reply
Denise B Rose
8/9/2018 10:29:06 am

Hi Mark, Excellent advice. I want to comment on one very minor expression in your essay: "Advice can be like carbs: easy to consume, but neither nourishing nor long-lasting."

As someone who teaches plant-based nutrition, I am always dealing with the uniformed view about carbs. Carbs are more than refined flours and junk foods. While we do not want to consume refined carbs because they cause insulin and blood sugar spikes, complex carbs are very healthy and should be promoted. Fruit are carbs, veggies are carbs, etc. All foods are a mixture of the 3 main macro nutrients: protein, fat, carbs. Of course, you were not expecting a nutrition lesson with your essay. I am just encouraging you to not promote an idea that has the public confused: that ALL carbs are bad. Nothing could be further from the truth. You could just talk about consuming junk food to make your analogy still work.

Reply
Mark Hurwich link
8/9/2018 12:38:25 pm

Thanks for that suggestion, Denise. A great example of an "invitation" vs. demand. And your editing skills. Done!

Readers: if you're confused, the sentence that now reads "advice can be like junk food" used to read "advice can be like carbs."

Reply
Althea M Orr
8/9/2018 10:30:52 am

I loved this! So insightful, and as a lucky recipient of your wisdom I know what it feels like on the receiving end; to not be judged, fixed, ot "figured out" , all of which feels condescending. Instead you express a kind od heartfelt active listening that often helps me listen better to myself. A lovely, well written blog!

Reply
Mark Hurwich link
8/9/2018 12:39:35 pm

Thanks, Althea. Of course, you well know that this is aspirational...not something I practice 24/7. Easier for clients and friends than partners! But I'm working on it.

Reply
John Campbell
8/9/2018 05:19:03 pm

Hi Mark: An insightful post. Thank you. I learned a lot and will internalize and utilize. John Campbell

Reply
Andy Swindler link
8/27/2018 07:33:02 am

I really love your message here. I've actually been re-evaluating some of my friendships based on my perception that they always show up with an attitude of "fixing me" rather than just being. I believe friends should, at times, push each other to be better and point out things other people might not, but generally I'm feeling like I just want to be accepted by those closest to me, exactly as I am.

For my part, whether coaching or with friends, it's amazing how much power there is in your Step 1. Just listening and holding compassionate space for someone. Giving them true attention, which seems to be fleeting in a digital age.

Emotional protein! Love it.

Thanks for doing what you do.

Reply
Chuck Silverstein link
10/11/2018 09:39:56 am

Nicely done, Mark. I'm sending a copy of your piece to my men's group. The topic of advice came up yet again. Thanks. Chuck

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