by JD Hancock (modified) I love my co-facilitator…but was ready to throw something at him the other night!
Why? Together, we support a follow-up group from a men’s weekend. It’s a forum for heart-oriented sharing, in contrast to the typical figuring-it-out and giving advice.
But instead of redirecting advice, this usually brilliant man was giving more!
Why? Together, we support a follow-up group from a men’s weekend. It’s a forum for heart-oriented sharing, in contrast to the typical figuring-it-out and giving advice.
But instead of redirecting advice, this usually brilliant man was giving more!
I’ve already covered why giving advice can be abusive in a prior blog (Part 1)…and, how to stop it too (Part 2).
But what to do instead? Here are three alternatives.
But what to do instead? Here are three alternatives.
Simply Be Present: “You’re Seen and Celebrated"
Simply being present for another person, without an agenda, and letting them know that you’ve heard and accept them works miracles. It looks like this:
When we struggle, there’s often something inside we haven’t realized because of our own self-judgment. So a space of acceptance, blessed with curiosity, generates insight. Because it’s an internal discovery, it makes you feel resourceful too.
- Listening (without trying to form a response)
- Mirroring (pausing to check that you’re tracking by paraphrasing and checking for accuracy)
- Validation (not agreeing, but putting yourself in the person’s place and showing that you understand how this experience makes sense for them)
When we struggle, there’s often something inside we haven’t realized because of our own self-judgment. So a space of acceptance, blessed with curiosity, generates insight. Because it’s an internal discovery, it makes you feel resourceful too.
Invite Emotional Protein
Advice can be like junk food: easy to consume, but neither nourishing nor long-lasting. Replace advice with “emotional protein:” curiosity about the core feelings in a situation—shame, fear, sadness, joy, whatever. When someone knows what to do, but can’t bring themselves to do it, there’s hidden emotion at work. Bringing it to the surface and exploring what it’s connected to won’t always make the problem dissolve, but it’s a start.
When we gain a deeper understanding of what’s going on, we see it isn’t simply laziness or moral failure behind hard challenges. We learn that the behaviors we seek to shift, even though they’re not working now, were almost always the best adaptation that we could manage at the time. They might even be a sign of something well-intended. Best of all: this deeper understanding nourishes self-compassion, which gives us more energy. Change requires that energy.
When we gain a deeper understanding of what’s going on, we see it isn’t simply laziness or moral failure behind hard challenges. We learn that the behaviors we seek to shift, even though they’re not working now, were almost always the best adaptation that we could manage at the time. They might even be a sign of something well-intended. Best of all: this deeper understanding nourishes self-compassion, which gives us more energy. Change requires that energy.
Share from the Heart, At Completion
When we connect to another person—especially when their journey resonates with us—we want to share too. That can feel like advice-giving when it interrupts exploration, and comes from the head. So…just tune into your own heart, and make sure you’re letting it lead.
Generally, you’ll want to make sure the person you’re supporting is “complete:”
they’ve gained insight and are at a good place to stop. Get permission: there’s something that touched you; would it be ok to share? Insure your sharing is rich around your own feelings and vulnerabilities. If it’s hard to speak without your voice catching or tears coming, share that! If, however, it has the energy of showing how advanced you are, DON’T.
Generally, you’ll want to make sure the person you’re supporting is “complete:”
they’ve gained insight and are at a good place to stop. Get permission: there’s something that touched you; would it be ok to share? Insure your sharing is rich around your own feelings and vulnerabilities. If it’s hard to speak without your voice catching or tears coming, share that! If, however, it has the energy of showing how advanced you are, DON’T.
* * * * *
A final thought: it’s not about being perfect, but being good enough and willing to grow. Without my co-facilitator’s genius in that regard, and the discussion that followed, I wouldn’t have this blog.
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